Sexual feelings, a boost to sexual techniques

Funmi Akingbade
| credits: File copy

I am a failure as a lover. I’m good at everything else? I’m a good mother, a good businesswoman, a great cook. Why can’t I be proficient at sex too? I had  bought dozens of popular sex manuals in search of tips on how to be a better lover, but still feel that I am a sexual disappointment according to my husband. This was the plight of Mrs. Ifeayi as she wipes uncontrollable tears off her well make up face. From the look on her face she did not give a damn if she was looking her best or not. As far as she was concerned, if she had this level of failures on bed, she must be a failure.

The moment sex sounds like work, problem sets in. As much as sex is a technique to be mastered, sex is also a natural basic feeling. One of the major causes of sexual unhappiness and frustration is preoccupation with technique. When you become  convinced that you are doing it wrong, that somehow you do not move your body properly or touch your partner in just the right way, you may end up obsessed with technique and end up doing sex instead of feeling it. Then you are unduly controlled and have no feeling of pleasure. Instead, try to relax and believe that feeling sexual naturally helps. The best way to be and become a good lover to your husband is to allow yourself to have fun. All you have to do is enjoy yourself.

Your primary goal is not necessarily to please your husband, but to please both of you. Too many wives become totally involved in trying to set just the right mood, to look right and move right and be right in everything but feel right. What really makes a woman a great lover is to wholly and openly enjoy herself.

But how can I enjoy myself when the only time we have for sex is just before we go to sleep at night you may ask. How, indeed! For many of us, life is hectic enough trying to get the children off to school, ourselves off to work and back home again, dinner on the table, and the kids to bed. By 10 or 11 p.m., how are we supposed to suddenly transform ourselves into fabulous, turned-on lovers? We need more than a dab of perfume to make the transition from hardworking wife and mother to great lover.

By allowing ourselves to feel sexual all day long, we won’t have to make much of transition, after all. Just turn another ordinary day into an extraordinary sexy day. One, interject your day with sensual interlude thoughts. How? From the moment you wake up until you finally have your husband to yourself.

If you have to get to work early, you can set the alarm 20 minutes early so you can linger in bed a little while, feeling your body slowly come alive. Cuddle with your husband for a few precious moments like you used to in the good old days. Daydream for a few minutes about the special times during your courtship. Remind him of a particularly pleasant memory. Smile at him. The secret is that natural sexual feeling will create memorable sexual action because your husband testosterone is always at its peaks at morning seasons.

On days you are not rushing out of the house, take time and pamper yourself with relaxation and act beautiful and carry yourself with the thought of knowing what he wants in bed. Forget how you look, undue body image obsession does not make happy married life. If you are unhappy and self-conscious about your body, you cannot be a relaxed, joyful lover.

Deliberately daydream about your husband indulging in a private sexual fantasy. Let the fantasy run its course instead of automatically turning yourself off because you think it is wrong to have sexy thoughts without your husband physically being around. Call him at work and make a date to make love with him that night. You can go further and tell him that you just had the most delicious X-rated sexual thoughts and feelings about him. Researchers say that phone sex binds and connects very busy active couples than any other form of seduction. In fact, phone sex between couples is rated the top five best ‘connection code’. The phone also provides just enough distance to allow spouse overcome  shyness and nervousness. They can become a little bolder, more outspoken too.

Tell him you can hardly wait. You have just given yourself consent to be a little natural. Sometimes, you can try and even get down to a few intimate details of what you would do with him that night. I can assure you, sex may never be better than this on such nights. On the way back from school runs, stop in a lingerie shop and pick up something to wear [and change frequently] that makes you feel sexy and do some sexy rehearsals for the night. By turning sex into an all-day affair, you may be able to make your late-night rendezvous with your husband much more exciting.